[Serial guest-blogger Dorzhiev tries his hand at satire. — YH]
The year is 2012. Against all odds a Pat Buchanan/Ron Paul administration has taken control of the White House. Unhappy with the adventurism of past administrations President Buchanan drafts an isolationist foreign policy that is closer in line with his nuanced understanding of global politics. Here is a copy of his first daily security briefing.
National Security Briefing: Top Secret
Terrorism: We have reliable reports that a trireme full of fundamentalist Mohammedans have disembarked from Mesopotamia and are heading to the New World with the intention of fomenting religious fervour. While it is clear that their intentions are insidious there is little cause for alarm. To reach our shores they would first have to negotiate a gauntlet of obstacles including the Cyclopes of Polyphemus, the piratical waters of Tripoli, and the dragon infested doldrums of the mid-Atlantic. Threat level: one lantern. (For more information please read attached report on Homer’s Odyssey.)
Policy Planning: A forward policy of containment has been drafted regarding the Middle Kingdom’s recent economic advancement. So as not to awaken the slumbering giant we currently recommend a rethinking of our military alliance with the prince of Siam. We also recommend protecting our domestic interest by a) implementing tariffs on imported opium, spices, and jade and b) immediately deporting all Chinamen currently working on the transcontinental railway so as to provide more jobs for God-fearing Americans.
Counterintelligence: After a harrowing counterintelligence operation it has been discovered that previous reports relating to Persia were merely the fabrications of a shadowy cabal of Hebrews who were engaged in a plan for world domination. Upon further review we find no evidence of a threat from Persia and recommend sending emissaries to the Proconsul of Persepolis to express our sincerest apologies for our errant sabre-rattling. Appropriate gifts should also be sent including: assorted hunting fowl, a nickelodeon, wildlife etchings, and a jewel encrusted ear horn for his majesty’s hard of hearing mother. We also recommend a purge of all Benjamites from government office so they cannot continue with their campaign of subterfuge. For more information please consult the attached report on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
Weapons Proliferation: Our surveillance telescope Monocle 2 has picked up images of the Tsar’s latest long-range catapults stationed in the Crimea. While more sophisticated than previous designs it is our finding that these war machines do not yet have intercontinental capability and as such do not threaten our national security. They are more likely to be used as a deterrent against Prussian rearmament or for suppressing local uprisings of scheming Jews.
Homeland Security: The FBI should be applauded for its recent infiltration of a Masonic order, a coven of witches, and a dangerous network of intelligentsia who propagate the heretical belief that the world is round.
Woah. Mate, you sound a bit off your rocker. I love satire as much as the next guy, but much of this simply does not make sense. By taking two fundamentally different strands of isolationist thought – the paleoconservatism of Buchanan and the libertarianism of Paul – and comparing them with flat-Earthers, you disservice the public.
Please, assume that those you are attacking have a measure of intelligence the next time you wish to use the satire’s pen. Ridiculous straw-men bring more heat than light to these discussions. -
lol, classic. i loved it :D
Shows a superficial understanding of the two (very distinct) persons being satirized, hence not accurate or convincing as satire, hence not funny.
By the names of those geographic locations, it sounds like this report was from 1812, not 2012? Why would Pat Buchanan use these place-names? Also, I think your depiction of Buchanan’s writings on Jewish power is a little over-simplistic (even for satire). Both Buchanan and Paul admired Murry Rothbard and Milton Friedman, and Buchanan’s magazine regularly features Jewish writers such as Paul Gottfried.
Wow, uh, satire should normally mock language and/or concepts actually used by the intended target(s), shouldn’t it?
Even if it’s not “accurate” in the sense that it “mocks language and/or concepts not used by the intended targets” (to paraphrase from Michael F), it’s still funny.