UPS Pilots & Mechanics

Posted on 7/11/2008 by Curzon

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and the solutions by maintenance engineers (“S”).

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had a flight crash.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

About Curzon

Lord George Nathaniel Curzon (1859 - 1925) entered the British House of Commons as a Conservative MP in 1886, where he served as undersecretary of India and Foreign Affairs. He was appointed Viceroy of India at the turn of the 20th century where he delineated the North West Frontier Province, ordered a military expedition to Tibet, and unsuccessfully tried to partition the province of Bengal during his six-year tenure. Curzon served as Leader of the House of Lords in Prime Minister Lloyd George's War Cabinet and became Foreign Secretary in January 1919, where his most famous act was the drawing of the Curzon Line between a new Polish state and Russia. His publications include Russia in Central Asia (1889) and Persia and the Persian Question (1892). In real life, "Curzon" is a US citizen from the East Coast who has been a financial analyst, freelance translator, and university professor; he is currently on assignment in Tokyo.
This entry was posted in General and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to UPS Pilots & Mechanics

  1. Pingback: The Glittering Eye » Blog Archive » Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One (UPS Edition)

  2. Joe Jones says:
    7/12/2008 at 12:30 am

    Classic. The pilot-mechanic relationship is like this at every airline, I think. They’re the two best-trained employee groups and they naturally like to bounce their problems off of each other. My father is a retired aircraft mechanic and there was never any shortage of “stupid pilot stories” at the dinner table when I was growing up.

  3. Michael says:
    7/12/2008 at 12:30 am

    I saw a similar sheet at work attributing these to Qantas. Ah, the joys of the internets . . .

  4. Alfred Russel Wallace says:
    7/12/2008 at 1:47 am

    It’s such innocent humour – I love it!!

  5. Dan tdaxp says:
    7/12/2008 at 3:48 am

    Very funny! :-)

  6. kende says:
    7/12/2008 at 4:37 am

    Wow. I literally laughed out loud at almost every one. Great find!

  7. Arcane says:
    7/12/2008 at 5:02 am

    This is one of many versions of this that has been going around for the past decade or so.

  8. jay says:
    7/13/2008 at 12:11 am

    Well, Arcane, good to know that UPS mechanics don’t have to fix the same problems over and over. Maybe that’s why they never crash! They fix it, it stays fixed.

  9. Pingback: Prepare to clean your monitors « Cadillac Tight

  11. Arcane says:
    7/15/2008 at 6:56 am

    Jay,
    Have you ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, UPS has never had a crash is because the average age of their fleet is 12.1 years, less than half the national average for commercial aircraft? I’m an aircraft maintenance officer in the military and, having worked on a fleet of aircraft where the newest was 42 years old, I can assure you that age is absolutely key.

  12. Pingback: Failure Links | Schaefer's Blog

  13. James says:
    7/18/2008 at 11:58 am

    Haha a few of my friends work at Air NZ they will love this!