Korean Dispatch

Foreign Protestors Vow to Teach Koreans Some Manners*

A polite crowd of about 30 foreign residents gathered in Seoul on Easter Sunday to cheerily wave signs and protest Japan’s claim to the Dokto Islands without burning or cutting off anything, showing they have a lot to learn about cultural sensitivity and assimilating into their adopted home.

“The islands are clearly Korea’s by right,” said Natasha Sukmacok of Almaty, Kazakhstan, an exchange student at Seoul Women’s Nursing College, adding that she was joining the protest because her Korean language teacher had cancelled class to join the protest on the grounds of “cultural immersion.”

However, fellow nursing student Mastur Beits of Hanoi, Vietnam expressed regret that Korean protestors did not have “you know, some manners,” but was unable to further clarify when she was interrupted by a blood-curdling scream of a Korean protestor who lit himself on fire.

Elsewhere downtown, a mob torched a Hello Kitty merchandise store before lynching four members of a Japanese sighseeing tour group and marching on the US embassy.

The mayor of Seoul was preparing to dispatch the riot police until it was discovered that the mob’s ringleader had a great uncle who had polished the shoes of Japanese policemen during the occupation.

Upon publication of this disgrace in the Chosun Ilbo, the mob lost its moral legitimacy and dispersed.

Demonstrators cheered when it was announced that the North Korean news site KCNA issued a statement demanding Japan atone for its war crimes, also noting that Japan remains a registered “enemy state” in the UN Charter. A Seoul online publication that criticized North Korea and the methods and goals of the demonstrators was shut down early this morning for “siding with the enemy.”

The Ministry of Communication deemed the site pro-Japanese and censored its content.

In other important news, US dog owners fear the arrival of the deadly Africanized flea… details at 10.

*= Some of this story may be satire.